I had a ‘get to know you’ appointment with my new primary care physician very early in January and while he seems fine, he asked if I’d ever considered taking a ‘drug holiday’ from my anti-anxiety medication. While my first inclination was to ask ‘ARE YOU CRAZY’ I caught myself and merely said I appreciated the suggestion and would consider it. I pointed out to him that perhaps this would be a more palatable suggestion when we weren’t in one of the darkest months of the year. Come back to me in July, I said, and I’ll consider it. (I have no intention of considering it.) This was in early January, when I was still flush with the concept of a brand new year, focusing on meditation and daily walks and all sorts of nice things. Within a week of that appointment, I not only was more convinced than that a ‘drug holiday’ was a terrible and twisted idea for someone as stressed out as I am by daily life, but seriously considering calling him up and asking for a larger dose. A much larger dose. In short, January kicked my butt. I won’t go into the gritty details but I think when you are working for a large corporation trying to do way more with way less, and raising a teenage girl, you are going to be a party to a LOT of drama. Sometimes, the drama is something you have a part in but mostly, it’s proximity drama that you take on simply by having your job title (both at work and as ‘Mom’). There were a lot of nights laying awake with my heart pounding and a lot of days when I was glumly certain that the twisting in my stomach presaged an ulcer.

While some of this drama has subsided a bit, there are still some things to mop up, mostly at work, but I am completely recommitted to live my life with as little drama and upset as possible. Some of this I can’t control but some things I can, so my goals for February are simply to avoid like the plague any situations where drama, toxicity, and stress exist.

Some January notables: rewatching ‘Northern Exposure’ in parallel with starting ‘True Detective Season 4’ (two very different views of Alaska); being riveted to the Jennifer Crumbley trial (soooo many thoughts here); really enjoying Taylor and Travis (‘live your life in such a way that merely existing terrifies weak men’); reading a couple of Tudor histories has been soothing; curating my bookshelves and taking books I don’t think I’ll read again to the nearest Little Free Library; having detailed fantasies about becoming friends with the neighborhood murder of crows; going to see ‘Wicked’ at the Detroit Opera House with the kiddo’s troop and mom tribe; gaining about 2 minutes of daylight every day (we didn’t see the sun much so the few days where it peeked out saw a notable increase in people lingering outside in parking lots, on the sidewalks, and with their windows rolled down to soak up every last drop of vitamin D).

Let’s all toast to a short, bright, and positive February.