After an extraction and two years of orthodontics, my braces came off Wednesday. I still have 14 weeks of Invisalign and then lifelong retainers, but as of now, the metal is GONE. The Invisalign is no joke, but it’s an improvement over what was an uncomfortable and confidence-eroding couple of years. Entering my 50s and dealing with peri-menopause and its changes to my body and mind was bad enough without braces. But I didn’t do the orthodontics for aesthetics and now, at the end of the treatment, my bite is almost fully fixed and my front teeth won’t continue to chip, loosen and erode, so I guess I can say it was worth it in the end.
Today I am observing the economic boycott. (I probably can’t say the same about the kiddo who needed a Starbucks on her way to school.) This boycott seems like a small thing to protest such enormous fuckery from the regime of the Orange Manbaby and Apartheid Clyde, but I’m committed, and have also been burning up the phone lines with my 5 Calls app. I’m sure that my senators and House Rep are beyond sick of this constituent. I could talk a lot about this political timeline but that’s for another post.
So in a happier topic, this weekend begins a several-week foray into renovating our master bathroom. We live in a 1962 Colonial and while the bath may have been redone in the ’80’s, it’s still what you would expect, which is pretty bad. Brandon is doing a lot of the work himself and I’ve been of limited support (mostly just saying ‘yes that sounds fine’). He has all of our household’s skill with decor and aesthetics. I’m most excited about a trip to Pewabic in Detroit to pick out some cool accent tiles. For awhile, we will all be sharing the kiddo’s bathroom, which may result in her spending more time at her dad’s to avoid the enforced togetherness!
The kiddo has a full-day CPR class tomorrow for her EMT Cadet training and I am hoping to finish up a couple of knitting projects and get some reading done. My library haul this week included two Dune graphic novels and a historical fantasy from Francesca May ‘Wild and Wicked Things’. And lastly, on this Friday evening, I leave you with something that absolutely made my heart leap with joy. In these uncertain times, seeing all four original members of REM reunite this week at the 40 Watt Club in Athens, GA to sing ‘Pretty Persuasion’ with Michael Shannon is a light that we all deserve.
It’s the final day of January and I’m cautiously optimistic that we have made it through what was a very long month of frigid cold, post-holiday crash, political chaos, and dry skin.
1. Dry January. For the first time in several years, my Dry January was a booming success. I made it the entire month (plus an alcohol-free NYE). For the last few years, I’ve made it for some time period (17 days; 28 days; a few years ago I only made it as far as January 6 as you may remember what happened on that date) but usually not for the full 31 days. While I felt like I flew through it without ambivalence or struggling, I did put work in – I joined the Dry group on the Weight Watchers app, which is full of some of the best people I could have hoped to connect with. I read sober curious literature and listened to several podcasts (‘This Naked Mind’ being my favorite). I think it’s the influence of our societal approach to drinking that I feel self-conscious about bragging too much on my Dry January because I worry that people will think I did it because I have a “problem” with alcohol. I could write a much longer post about this (particularly what our modern culture deems “problematic” when it comes to a highly addictive substance that is not only socially acceptable, but widely encouraged) but for now – no, I don’t feel that I have a “problem” with alcohol. I really enjoy red wine, and have a fairly high tolerance for it, but I do not categorize myself as a “problem” drinker. However, there is a preponderance recent evidence that any amount of alcohol may not be good for us. I had such a positive Dry January that I have now determined that I will also commit to being alcohol-free for the month of February and see where it goes from there.
2. Vibes at home. Emmett, who is our most loving, anxious, needy cat, had a dentist appointment on Tuesday and had two premolars extracted. All of our cats have “emotional problems” and require accommodations – two of them are on Prozac and the other is a small, cute, virulent sociopath. When one of them disappears for a day and comes home loopy and smelling of the vet, the other two become unhinged and treat the patient like a dangerous interloper. So there has been hissing, separation, pain med dosing, treats, sleeping accommodations, and general household disruption. Emmett is fine and recovering nicely. Sarge and Josie, on the other hand, are still recovering from his ordeal.
3. Journaling. One of my goals for the year is to use my physical journal more. I have used a Hobonichi Techo Cousin paper planner for a few years now without taking full advantage of all of its space and features (monthly, weekly, and daily pages). I’ve been scribbling more thoughts this month. I plan to use one of the layout pages for an informal monthly goal-set, using key words, quotes and actions, and update the bottom half of that page at the end of the month with my reflections: what went well, what didn’t, what I achieved, etc. I’m looking forward to settling in at my home office desk tomorrow morning (early, because I’ve been sleeping so well with Dry January) with a big cup of coffee, my sticker folio and my nice pen and washi tapes to reflect on January and set up the February page.
4. RTO. Next week begins the more organized RTO (“return to office”) push at Widget Central. Executives have been hands-off about office time, leaving it to managers to set their department’s guidelines. I’m usually in one or two days a week and set my own schedule for what those days are on a weekly basis. Next week, however, the mandate is for three office days for everyone with Tuesday and Thursday mandatory. This can be a polarizing issue for people but I’m fairly ‘meh’ about it. I like working from home and think I’m pretty disciplined about it, but I also like the office. I do appreciate that feeling of separation of my home space and workspace. I am productive in either space with a possible productivity edge in the office, I like my coworkers, and as an introvert, it’s good and healthy for me to socialize with people on a limited yet regular basis. I’m much more opinionated about the quality of my work experience. Trust and flexibility are key – I do not want to be micromanaged, nickel-and-dimed about coming-in times and leaving-times, I want the ability to flex my time if I need to be home for any reason, have an appointment, etc. (I think a lot of the issues that people have with remote work come down how well managers are trained to identify and handle a poor performer – if you have an employee, ANY employee, that you cannot trust to do their job and be responsive during core work hours, that’s a performance / management issue, and it’s not going to be addressed or resolved based on the location of their workplace.) The biggest issue for me is going to be organization – meal planning and prep for full days in the office with a commute, packing my breakfast, lunch, snacks, and workout clothes, and making the most of all my days, office and remote.
5. Weekend. No big plans. Babying the neurotic and recovering felines: Brandon is planning a redo of our master bathroom, so we need to go to Ikea to buy the vanity we’ve selected; the weather in Suburban Elysia will be clear and seasonal in the 30’s, so I hope to get out for at least one run. I’m working on a small secret knitting project and will likely finish up my recent read, Haruki Murakami’s ‘The City and its Uncertain Walls’ which I’ll review next week.
Hope everyone has a peaceful, healthy weekend! xoxo
I hate to make proclamations but the spring so far has been okay and vastly better than the winter was. I’ve avoided making this observation because – you know, the proverbial ‘other shoe’ – but in my little corner of the Internet no one is really listening anyway so knock wood and let’s goooooo.
Making. My only recently finished object is a – dishcloth. (I subscribe to the Kitchen Sink Shop newsletter and every month she sends a free dishcloth pattern!) I am a slow knitter. I have two pairs of socks (plain vanilla on 9-inch circulars) going (they’ve been my springtime soccer field knitting), as well as the Cozy Comfort throw from Homespun House, and I have the Shift kit ready to cast on as soon as I finish the socks (and as a side note isn’t Andrea Mowry just absolutely gorgeous and so cool? I wish I could have that kind of edgy yet laid-back coolness). I’m also really close to finishing a cross-stitch kit (a little A-frame cottage). As usual I have too much stash, too many projects to start, and not enough time, and I still keep finding new kits, new patterns, and new yarn to fill all the nooks and crannies of my dusty little office / crafting space. I need to lock in and get some finished objects. (As usual you can find me on Ravelry as sixtenpine.)
Reading. On vacation in the Bahamas I blew through all seven of Martha Wells’ ‘Murderbot Diaries’ and would have just kept going if there were more. These were sci-fi about a futuristic security unit android that attains some level of cold human observation and affinity. SecUnit (or ‘Murderbot’ as it refers to itself) spends the seven novels alternately amused, horrified, sympathetic, fascinated, and repelled by the humans it is charged with guarding and its internal monologue is (for me) un-put-downable. After Murderbot I plunged into some dry histories (I went through a massive Mary Queen of Scots phase and then some Romanov which was depressing). Slogging through beheadings, conspiracies, doomed royals and the events of Ipatiev House might not have been the best overall choice and sadly my reading slowed down a bit. I’m trying to jump-start it with the new Tana French ‘The Hunter’ but it isn’t really doing it for me yet. (I wish she’d go back to the Dublin Murder squad format.)
Watching. Brandon and I finally watched ‘The Bear’ and loved it. I hope next season we get more of the Richie comeback and more Fak. The kid and I are watching the first two seasons of Twin Peaks (a multiple rewatchable for me, her first time) and she’s hooked. I’m debating about whether she’s ready for ‘Fire Walk With Me’ and you know, no one is ready for season 3 The Return. Maybe if I rewatched it, I’d understand it more. While Brandon is in Iowa during the week, I watched ‘Marie Antoinette‘ on Prime (LOVED it) and caught up on ‘Nordic Murders’.
Life Stuff. As I said, I think things have evened out from our winter of discontent (it was a tough one). Brandon still spends weekdays in Iowa and weekends here, and that has made for some adjustment, both for us as a couple and our family unit. It’s not ideal but we are working through it and understanding (or trying to) that it’s just a season of life and it too will pass and fade into a new season.
I am still dealing with pre-menopause health issues which all in all are pretty minor compared to some horror stories I’ve heard. HRT has helped with the mood swings, night sweats and recurring monthly pain and nausea. It hasn’t helped much with brain fog or weight gain, but I just have to keep pushing through. I try to eat well without restricting, and get out 3-4 times a week either to the gym or for runs around the neighborhood. I’d love to lose 20 lbs but I’m also not willing to head into the land of diet culture to do that, so for now it’s bigger pants. [shrug]
Soccer, soccer, soccer. Spring sports are a lot but this soccer season for the kid was fun and for the most part, laid-back. They’re not the best team but they’re not the worst, either, and manage to have fun and enjoy themselves even when they lose and when they’re playing in downpours or gale force winds. She just started a part-time summer job at the local family-owned garden center / plant nursery and I am hoping it’s a great vibe for her, working outdoors with little growing things. She has a male friend (ahem) and after several years of being at home with us every evening, now, on occasion, he’ll pick her up and they’ll get food or go to a school sporting event or movie. She is hoping to get her driver’s license this summer on her birthday and so I feel we’re on the verge of a big jump forward in terms of maturity and independence…I am alternately dreading it and looking forward to it. She took an AP exam this week, is mostly indifferent about her grades yet but still gets things done. She’s a good kid and we laugh a lot when we’re together, which is a lot, especially now that it’s just the two of us during the weekdays when Brandon is away. I have to balance the feeling that she is my best friend these days with the reminder that I am the parent, as well, and so that’s been an interesting line to tread.
Despite things being easier than they were a few months ago, overall, I am in a mostly introverted phase. And since I live my life as a baseline introvert, for me to say I am in an introverted phase probably realistically means I’m full-on hermit now. I viciously culled my personal social media feeds this winter and just don’t post much anymore. I’ve pulled back from volunteering for school things and the parent text threads. Work has settled back down into it’s usual place in my life, instead of waking me up at 3AM in a cold sweat, and if that means that some days I only can do what I can, that’s the way it is right now. I no longer have the bandwidth to put energy into things that look “right” but don’t feel “right” or pay back in emotional dividends and that runs the gamut from doing everything and more at work to trying to look like the perfect normal active cheerful mom in the neighborhood and school community. Hustle culture, social media pressure, competitiveness and comparison – it’s all real and I’ve had to seriously duck back into my introvert shell and focus on us – my little family – and how it feels instead of how it looks. We do our own thing and for us right now that’s healthy and positive.
I read the post Gentle January on Joy the Baker and it really spoke to what I feel like I need this January. In Michigan, Januaries (and Februaries and Marches and sometimes Aprils) are hard. We gain back almost an hour of daylight this month, but the weather is at its grim best. The wind bites, the trees shiver under an endless slate-grey sky, and the sun doesn’t appear for days. Or weeks.
And everywhere, the holidays are over. There seems to be nothing to look forward to and everything that I put off in December has now come home to roost. What is cozy and hygge in early December, in the glow of candles and lights and presents and piles of good eats, is merely bleak midwinter in January.
All too often I’ve gotten up on January 1 and brutally forced myself to confront the real world, but one that is more harsh and full of deprivation that my typical ‘real world’. I go on a diet, I go on a budget, I set new work goals and exercise goals and then wonder why I spend January vacillating between grumpiness and despair.
This year, even before I knew about the concept of gentle January, I was organically embracing it. The truth is that I’m sick of lashing myself with a whip of self-directed “I really shoulds” and “I really need tos”. I would say I’m too old for that but that’s a thought that seems to go along more with my old self. Instead, maybe I’m just now at a point where I’m ready to meet myself where I am and be accepting, rather than self-critical.
Yes, I’m trying to get more movement but not only because of the number on the scale. It gives me joy and helps my mental health exponentially. I’m leaning into supportive and motivational online communities and using it as a time to be mindful and reflective. Yes, I’m back to work, and I’d absolutely prefer to be done with corporate life – but I long ago reconciled myself to the necessity of it and I try to enjoy the process and the people, and have gratitude for what it gives me. Yes, I am being more conscious of what I put into my body but I can do it in a way that feels rewarding and nurturing rather than restrictive and punitive.
We greeted this season as many do, by decluttering the holiday fluff. We took the Christmas stuff down and while we were at it, we “audited” all of our holiday decorations, garlands, lights and wreaths. We streamlined the number of bins and now we have a big pile for donations. This was a great idea that I got from Benita Larsson and her Scandi-enjoyable vlog. And the process gave Brandon major joy since he is the self proclaimed reincarnation of an English butler.
I’m embracing early bedtimes and hot tea. When I feel down in the mornings, I turn on my “happy lamp” for awhile and experience a perceptible pick-up. I’m experimenting with new recipes and mocktails. I’m using that feeling of wistfulness when the early darkness comes on as an excuse to get out for an eleven minute walk. Then I come home and take a hot bath with some scented Epsom salts and slather on a good thick lotion. Sometimes my walks are longer (like when I want to check out the offerings in one of the multiple Little Free Libraries in my area) and sometimes I do them at lunch, if there’s a chance I can get a glimpse of sunshine. (On those days, I always see other sun-seekers out, too. I never realized how many walkers there are in my neighborhood during the day. And when there’s sun, there are always a few of us paused along our routes with our faces lifted up to catch the light, eyes closed in full enjoyment.) Sometimes I can even convince a reluctant teen to come with me and share a bit of what she is thinking about lately.
The cold weather has also allowed me to develop a minor obsession with merino wool. I’ve known about merino wool for a long time, being a knitter, but I had no idea what a luxurious splurgy yet totally practical joy merino wool is in garments. IT’S NOT ITCHY! I am collecting it gradually and breaking my bank on it but hopeful that the pieces I’m acquiring – a headband, a neck gaiter, leggings, base layers for running, and of course socks – will serve me for years to come. I’d love to get a dress someday although I am very leery about ordering it online because my figure would definitely require try-ons. I do, however, love reading the challenges that people do where they pick a piece and wear it for 30 or 100 days (I love a good capsule wardrobe and checking out other people’s styles).
Hopefully you are all finding ways to show love to yourself too, and be gentle in January at the start of 2024.
It’s been such a week that I don’t even have a single photograph to add to this post! Unless you want a grocery receipt that I snapped to upload to my Ibotta app.
4 weeks since my Covid diagnosis and I am still struggling to get back to good health. I’m still very congested with a lingering cough and fatigue. I don’t know if it’s remaining Covid impacts, fall allergy symptoms, a couple of small other-type viruses or what, but I am ready to feel better again. Unfortunately no amount of taking it easy seems to be putting a dent in it and I think everyone in my life is getting a little impatient about my inability to operate at 100%.
It’s been a terrible week in the world community. I do not pretend to be knowledgeable about the complex nature of politics in the Middle East. I personally feel anti-Hamas, pro-Israel, pro-free Palestine, and solidly “people are not their governments”. These are most likely naïve statements and I would probably be told by people more knowledgeable than myself that they cannot coexist. These concepts probably put me at odds with everyone in the conflict who demands that a side be chosen. But the thought of all the babies and children and young people being murdered, raped, mutilated and traumatized is so abhorrent that I cannot believe anyone would care whether they were Palestinian or Israeli.
I have to drag my weary and dispirited bones through an ortho appointment, my first workplace-sponsored Spanish class, and a lot of driving of the kiddo for marching band activities before I can lay my head on my Friday night pillow and consider the weekend. I hope you are all as well as can be expected. xo
I am happy to report that at long last, I feel mostly recovered from my dust-up with Covid. I’m trying to get rid of the lingering fatigue and miasma in my lungs and head but have my smell and taste back, am back to running (slow, snotty, and wheezy), and I am feeling about a thousand percent better. It was no joke, though, and took me down for longer than any illness I’ve had in the last few years, so again, I highly recommend boosting and taking it seriously.
Otherwise, we’ve been chugging along with marching band season, which hasn’t been as all-consuming this year due to fewer home games. Between that and Covid, I’ve only been to one tailgate and I”ll miss the first marching competition next Saturday because we have tickets to ‘Funny Girl’ at the Fisher Theater in Detroit (purchased before the competition schedule was released). The kiddo has a date to Homecoming in early October (!!) so we had to go dress shopping. The last one she tried on was the winner and is quite an elegant little number, black lace over a nude silk sheath, with little off-the-shoulder straps. She’s going to look like a million bucks, very Old Hollywood, but as a mom it is still gobsmacking to see how SMALL all the dresses are. I told a friend on Facebook that I think they could make 3 of today’s dresses out of 1 of ours from the 1980’s / early 90’s.
We booked our Spring Break – yes, it seems early but after forcing the kid to go to Colonial Williamsburg last year, I’d promised her a trip somewhere warm for next spring. We are going to the Bahamas! For 5 nights and 4 days which already stresses me out a little bit (thinking about being away from home that long) but which I’m sure will be an amazing trip.
The weather in Michigan has been very warm and summery, sunny days with highs in the upper 70’s and cool nights, lather rinse repeat. It shows no signs of cooling off anytime in the next 10 days which is nice, but I really am craving some crisp weather, frost on the pumpkins, and some storms to usher in the cozy season. There’s nothing worse than traipsing around a cider mill or pumpkin patch when it’s 80 degrees and you are sweating and there are bees in your cider.
Sometimes you get to a point where your body just says – enough. Enough global Zoom calls, audit committees, stressful workdays, deadlines and unreliable colleagues. Enough commuting. Enough meal planning, prepping, grocery shopping, exercising, laundry and housework. Enough stressing over who will win the rojo jersey at La Vuelta. Enough driving your kiddo everywhere and letting her drive, keeping her calendar, planning for tailgates, helping out with marching band and making sure she has stuff for her lunches. Enough doctors appointments to try to keep up with the slow creep of age and its impacts, enough hair appointments, enough ortho adjustments. Enough EVERYTHING. And then you get Covid and are forced to do NOTHING.
Covid’s been chasing me around for a couple of weeks along with the usual ‘ick’ of the back-to-school germy stewpot. Last week was a corker. It was a stressful work week, with early morning global calls and late afternoon/evening audit grillings. I had inadvertently stacked appointments during my lunch hours, and the kiddo’s schedule is busy with fall band. On Thursday I had an anxiety attack and by yesterday morning I’d popped for Covid which threw everything into a tizzy. I’d been scheduled to help the marching band at that night’s game, and even though that was now obviously off the table, I wanted the also-sniffy kiddo to test to make sure she was okay to go. I’d gone to Urgent Care for my diagnosis, because there were no rapid tests available at any local pharmacy (are we back to this again? I had no idea) so a mom friend left a Canadian test on her porch for me to use with the kiddo. Luckily, she was and continues to be negative and so does Brandon which is good because by 3pm that day all I could do was crawl into bed and hate everything.
As much as it sounds appealing to just shed my responsibilities and let my household fend for themselves for a bit, it is actually hard. It’s difficult for me to do nothing and it’s difficult for me to have Brandon and the kiddo have to rely on each other for meals and other things. And it’s hard for me to ask for help when I feel too tired and weak to even make myself a cup of tea or rustle up something to eat. Luckily, Brandon is fantastic in these situations, has no fear of the Covid, and although I’m insisting on quarantining and wearing a K95 mask when I do have to venture out of my room, he is constantly sticking his head in my room to ask me what I need and how I am.
Despite not feeling well at all, truthfully it’s still a mild case. My major symptoms are congestion (my brother equates congestion to having a ‘sea cucumber’ living in his sinuses and this ‘sea cucumber’ has apparently decided to AirBnB in mine this weekend), a bad headache, and fatigue. The cats are taking care of me in shifts – Pot Roast usually has the night shift, Emmett gets the mornings, and Sarge the afternoons. I am missing out on a glorious fall Saturday here with the Harvest Moon festival in full swing downtown but with my feline companions and a couple of indulgent Kindle reads (’28 Summers’ may be a beach read but it’s also been great for Covid) I am doing just fine. I’m sure I’ll be back on my feet in no time and back to the usual pace.
July is strange – the whole month feels like a weird suspension of normal routine, with the 4th holiday, many people in my office taking vacations, the kid at camp, and the Tour de France. This week felt particularly disjointed – bouts of torrential rain and oppressive humidity, two very productive and busy office days, and many hours spent with the Tour.
The Tour has been good this year except for my overwhelming disappointment that Mark Cavendish – an oldster at the ripe age of 38 – crashed out and broke his collarbone in what he’d declared was his last TDF before retirement. He was trying to break the record of the most stage wins (he’s currently tied at 34 with Eddie Merckx). It was a good lesson not to get too attached to any one rider or team because it’s a fairly brutal sport and you can love someone and they can get knocked out in a millisecond and then you still have endless stages ahead of you to feel disappointed. In addition to the 4-5 hours a day viewing the stages, we also spend another 1-2 hours listening to Lance Armstrong’s podcast The Move to analyze each stage. Yes, I know that Lance is a douche but since it’s very difficult to find any mainstream news coverage of the Tour, my July is filled with his mellifluous boasting and I’ve come to enjoy it heartily.
In other news this week – solid office days (office days have become a vital part of my week and although I enjoy my work from home days, I’m finding that I need the anchoring of a couple in-person days, too), fresh salads from the new office lunch delivery service, a couple of exceptionally humid morning / lunchtime runs on work from home days, and doing my first Cologuard. This may be TMI but you know, health matters. It feels inappropriate to poop in a jar and have to take the conspicuous box to the UPS store (they could at least give you an anonymous box) to mail it somewhere – but that’s life these days. And dear God, those Cologuard people will run you to the ends of the freaking earth to get that jar back. I think I got at least twenty calls, emails, and texts from that happy little toilet so I was relieved to be able to dump it on the UPS counter and be done with the damn thing.
The kid has been at camp with no phone. She’s written a few letters, and I purchase email credits so I can send her an email every day that she’s gone. In one of her letters, she described writing snail mail letters to me like ‘screaming into a void and not getting any answer back’ and that’s how I feel about the daily emails I send her, too. So imagine my surprise when she convinced her unit director to let her call me on Thursday afternoon because she was feeling a smidge homesick and just wanted to hear my voice. My kiddo has always been brave, extroverted, social, and the type who from very early on didn’t want to hold my hand when I walked her into school, so, in the summer she turns 15, for her to want to write me letters from camp and call me just to hear my voice – well, that is quite gratifying for me.
I’m reading ‘A Deadly Education’ by Naomi Novik, which is sort of a violent and edgy Hogwarts school tale mixed with a bit of ‘Hunger Games’ and I’m really liking it so far. It’s part of a trilogy and I picked it up from the library after seeing the most recent one in a bookstore in Cincinnati. I am hoping the weekend will be full of some front porch reading and wine drinking, although Sunday will be a completely lost day as I travel 6+ hours round trip to fetch the kid from camp. It’s worth it – I can’t wait to hug her – and July rolls on.
I always have the best intentions to regularly update this space, and then I finally get around to writing and look back and realize I haven’t been here since March.
So what have I been up to since then? All the things I usually am. The kiddo has gone from her school year activities of band, soccer, and theater to her summer activities of Driver’s Ed (how??), band (always band), and art camp. Work has been busy and I have been active with running (sort of), knitting (probably need a whole post about that), and Weight Watchers. I have been pretty consistently on the WW app yet have only lost about 5 lbs in 2 months…menopause is a bitch.
We saw ‘Six’ at the Fisher, the kiddo had a spectacular run in ‘Hello Dolly’, we got a bond at the local pool club, and I got braces.
And I turned 50.
I started a whole solipsistic post about that and didn’t finish it (you’re welcome). I know age is just a number, but I really do feel a sea change about this particular number. I know I can’t just entirely retire in this decade, but I have been able to begin the process of evaluating where I am investing my time and energy and more importantly, why. During this decade, I hope to be more thoughtful about that and begin to swing away from doing things for other people and more for myself. Less because I ‘have’ to and more because I ‘want’ to. And when that’s not possible, to give myself grace in how I approach those things. For example – can I quit my job? No. Do I sometimes dream about retirement? Yes. But when I stop and think about it – I really like my job and even in retirement I don’t plan on giving up work altogether unless I’m forced to. So is it my job itself that I dream of giving up, or the mental stress and pressure I put on myself ABOUT my job that I can reconsider? It’s more about shifting the narrative about what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I work because I love being able to financially support myself, my home, and my daughter. I work because I really love the people I work with and am interested in the job I do. I GET to work. However, I also love who I am without work. I have no interest in being promoted, making more money, hustling, changing jobs, or advancing myself in any way other than showing up and doing a solid, ethical job at what I’m responsible for – but putting work on an equal footing with my family, my home, and MYSELF. Not letting it usurp other things I love and need, and take up more space than it should – and this decade, that is enough.
Same with my health. Would I love to lose 20 lbs and be the same weight I was ten years ago? Yep. Am I willing to put the work into doing that? Probably not. Am I tracking and using WW just for the weight loss and how I look? No. I feel better when I consider what I am putting into my body and have goals about the kind of foods I am eating, about drinking less wine, drinking more water. And running. Would I love to set a half-marathon PR that crushes what I could do ten years ago? Yes, but I don’t run because I am trying to do that (or even think that’s really possible). I am not doing these things to flog myself into being something I’m not. I run because I feel better when I move my body and I know that these things give me a greater ability to grow old gracefully in a healthy and happy way.
So those are the big things. In other news, it’s summertime here in SE MI and I’m looking forward to a relaxing evening at home with Brandon and then a busier day tomorrow. The Girl Scout troop (yes my kiddo and her friends are still hanging in there with Girl Scouts) and accompanying mom troop are all headed to Cincinnati on Sunday for a couple of days hanging out in a sprawling, historic AirBNB Victorian, cooking for each other, shopping, eating, and visiting King’s Island. Ten years ago the thought of these 2-3 days would have given me hives. Now – I’ve known these women since our kids were in second grade and they’re my mom tribe. They’re the women I text when I have questions about marching band or something happening at the high school. We are who we turn to when the school is on lockdown because of a threat investigation (which has happened no fewer than 8 times this year). So while this probably isn’t the ideal way I would spend my vacation days, I no longer have any anxiety about it – I’ll load up my books and knitting and they’ll know that I’ll be the first to go to bed and no one cares.
I do have plans for a knitting post and a Favorite Things post – I have lots of little fun conspicuous consumption items that I’ve found and have been enjoying. Whether those posts come in June, July, August or beyond – I make no promises. But be well in the meantime!
I’ve been overcommitted this week and am on the downhill slide to a truly reclusive weekend. Unfortunately, it’s St. Patrick’s day, and by midday, my beau will be home with two of his friends to put food coloring in beer before heading downtown to the pub to rub shoulders with tipsy suburbanites doing shots and bellowing Irish ditties. This is not my jam but I’m happy to watch him in full extrovert mode; the only Irish thing I will be doing today is executing the ‘Irish goodbye’ after a few minutes of obligatory socializing and going back upstairs to my computer and classical radio.
Last weekend we met up with friends of ours at Harbor House in Detroit for dinner and then headed over to the Fillmore to see Sarah Silverman. She rocked and best of all, her set was over by like 9pm so even with a quick drink afterwards at Cafe d’Mongo, our fave hole in the wall, we were home relatively early. Which was good because we’ve had something going on every day this week – soccer tryouts for the kiddo as well as a soccer parent meeting, a band concert for her, and various household tasks. I had a haircut, my Outback serviced in advance of our road trip to Virginia in a couple of weeks, and – biggest of all – had my tooth pulled to get ready for my orthodontics.
Re. the tooth pulling, my memory of such things from being a teenage dirtbag in braces did not adequately prepare me for the actual procedure. I don’t remember feeling particularly crummy afterwards but it WAS (ahem) 36 years ago so perhaps things have blurred around the edges. Also, my grandpa was my dentist, and I worked at his office starting from the age of 14 through summers in college. I had an intimate familiarity with the procedure, and when I was a bit older, I even assisted with extractions. I’m not sure the employment bureau or whichever office is in charge of such things would approve of a 16-year old handing massive forceps over and watching extractions and root canals and carting away the bloody detritus, but it gave me a healthy indifference to any sort of dental procedure and generally no fear where such things were concerned.
Now, decades later, even though my current non-grandpa dentist is gentle and fantastic, it was a really unpleasant experience, aggressive, bloody, and terrifying. I thought I had a high pain tolerance but I came home drenched in cold sweat. The first few hours weren’t bad but once the anesthetic wore off – and ever since – I’ve been a bit of a wreck. I slept for several hours the day of the extraction and the day after. I’m terrified of the mythical and horrible dry socket and today – 48 hours after the procedure – the swelling is at its worst and the stitches are pulling. The pain is just barely kept in check with a Motrin / Tylenol cocktail every 4 hours. (I also remember getting more high-powered pain meds as a teenager – at LEAST Tylenol 3.) I’m only eating soft foods like eggs, yogurt, cottage cheese, and soup, taking Vitamin C and trying to rinse with warm salt water, all the recommended things, but I’m still in a lot of discomfort and finding it hard to focus on anything other than that. I feel like an elderly person chewing delicately on one side of my mouth and I’m astonished at the thought of people in the ‘old days’ who went in to their dentists and asked for ALL their teeth to just be pulled so they could get dentures. (I think this may have even been something one of my ancestral relatives did!) They must have just been constantly drunk back then.
At any rate, I’m hoping that by tomorrow things will be feeling less miserable and I can get back to some light exercise and more regular eating.
Hoping all of you are enjoying your Friday and looking forward to either a fantastic weekend of socializing or a quiet weekend of peace and rest (or a mix of both). Pray for my poor aching tooth socket if you would. xo
Six Ten 