Category Archives: Good for Me

live authentic part II

I felt bad after my very cynical ‘live authentic’ post and guilty that perhaps I’d oversimplified things. It’s easy to do that in a blog post. You’re sort of shooting for this mixture of insouciance and humor and poignancy and you frequently let one element outweigh the others and miss the mark.

I thought about it a lot today and came to the conclusion that for me, living authentic isn’t about trying to make my life look or seem easy or beautiful, it’s about trying to isolate and identify the beauty and happiness lurking inside my everyday life and feel gratitude. There’s a tail-wagging-the-dog difference and to me, that difference is the actual element of authenticity. When you’re able to look at your life holistically, the good and the bad, and yet value and appreciate the quicksilver moments of elegance and happiness and loveliness, you are living authentically. At the age of nearly-41, I feel like I’ve only recently discovered this and will likely spend the rest of my life working on it. But it’s good work to do.

I have all the moments that I described in my last post and no, they aren’t the moments that get photographed. I don’t shoot selfies of my overfed tummy or unshaven legs or circles under my eyes when I’ve gotten insufficient sleep. I shoot selfies when I feel beautiful. I don’t take pictures of the endless dead seedling trays I’ve baked or over or under-watered, I take pictures of my beautiful flowers and herbs when they are at their peak and I am proud of them. I don’t take pictures of endless streams of traffic instead of walks in the woods and I don’t brag about the runs that are failures of fatigue and laziness and bathroom issues or shin splints, I feel exuberant about the ones where I feel like I could run and run and run and never get tired. And the ‘living authentic’ part is realizing that all of those elements exist all the time and ebb and flow and they all make up your day or your week and you choose what to be happy and proud of, and what you want to project to the world. I think this is the silver linings playbook, to capture a thought from one of my favorite reads of 2013.

Today I went to work and I had too much to do and I felt that bitterness of not being able to putter around and do exactly what I wanted to do in the comfort and solitude of my own home. And yet I had the kind of day where the relationships I’ve forged with the people I work with made me change my mind. I helped people, I accomplished things and they gave back in return. I had a CAD engineer excitedly consult with me about setting up a possible webcam for Mommy duck. I had my small cadre of teammates set up an outing for next week so I can take them to my favorite botanical gardens to see an 80-year old agave cactus bloom, something I never thought anyone around me would be remotely interested in. I had people in my office all day for one reason or another, laughing and talking and asking questions and making plans and working on strategy and developing ideas together. I had a beautiful lunchtime run in the sunshine and came back with a sunburned nose. I had dinner with my daughter and we lay in the hammock while we ate our ice cream and my shorts were too tight, and we watched the pine branches overhead, very green against the blue sky. Mommy duck went away and came home and the fish swam in his tank while the cats stared, hypnotized. I took the trash out and saw a pale moon shadow in the sky, waiting for the gloaming. All of these things happened and then I felt sad for my harsh and negative commentary about what is in actuality a very nice and sweet pair of words. For the time being, I’ve found a nice place in the world and I am lucky to share even the most tedious bits of my existence with good people and the gratitude that I feel and project is now for me the most authentic way to live.

good stuff

on going out and coming home

I try not to talk much about a variety of topics on the internetz, including my work and my personal relationships and now, as she gets older, my daughter, whose life and image and thoughts and feelings belong to her, not me to share with the general public. But I’ve been through a lot over the past year, and there were many days when I just didn’t think I could get out of bed and face the day.

All my life, I have felt that I needed someone else to trust and to lean on, because inside I never trusted my own self to get me through hard times. I felt fundamentally unreliable and flawed. When I faced a challenge, I never truly believed I had the ability to get through it.

It’s a terrible weakness, not to trust or like your own self, and although I wish I could change many things that have happened lately, the silver lining of all of it is that I finally know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can get through what I have to, and that I am more than I ever thought I was. Part of me hates to see that written out in black and white, because my old self would feel that was tempting the universe to knock my feet out from underneath me. I don’t think like that anymore. Now I think the universe is more receptive, it’s something that responds to the energy you put out into it, and gives it back, and if you wake up every day to see the beauty in what is around you and feel gratitude for it, and love the people in your life and what you have been given, and you work to be happy, the universe responds to that. The only person who is responsible for your happiness is you.

This is a long way of saying that I flew across the country this week, and visited new places, and saw new things. I spoke in front of groups of people and laughed with them and made friends. I wasn’t perfect, but I was real, and I wasn’t afraid, and everywhere I looked I saw sunshine and warmth and new things. I trusted myself and enjoyed myself and when I came home, I was so happy for the little life I have here. California was hot and dry and bright, the Santa Ana winds moving restlessly through the palm trees against the blue sky. Traffic wound in glittering ropes along the asphalt. There were people everywhere, great waves of people pressing in on all sides. When I wasn’t presenting, during our car trips and at the airport, I couldn’t even speak for staring around me.

And then I came home, and my world was small and damp and green, full of cats and a chattering child, cluttered with construction paper and crayons and toys. I dreamt last night of five cardinals in the branches above me, and picking up a small colored bird, thinking it was dead, and having it come alive in my hand, fragile and prickly. I liked coming home the best of all. It’s so strange to feel that at the age of 40, I’ve been newly born into something I never was before. I have such a short life left to enjoy, I’d better get to it.

spring malaise

“Perhaps what we call depression isn’t really a disorder at all but, like physical pain, an alarm of sorts, alerting us that something is undoubtedly wrong; that perhaps it is time to stop, take a time-out, take as long as it takes, and attend to the unaddressed business of filling our souls.” – Lee Stringer

I have a spring cold, and all of the suddenly nice days have made me perhaps a little depressed too. I know, I’m contrary. Worst winter of the decade, I’m fairly chipper, give me some sunshine and pollen and it brings me to my knees. I think it’s partially the uneasy feeling that I should be doing something that I’m not or enjoying the sunshine or riding a dappled pony through a field of daffodils or doing a triathlon instead of what I’m actually doing, which is usually sitting on the couch.

Some days there’s nothing for it except rest, and fresh food, and maybe flowers. I’ve also spent a fair bit of time on the couch with Season 6 of ‘Mad Men’ (and coincidentally, recently found January Jones has an Instagram feed, and if you can get past the endless parade of absolutely spectacular selfies, her hashtagging and commentary is pretty funny and clever).

I don’t get sick very often but when I do, I am a miserable human being to be around, disheveled and bleary and endlessly contaminating shared surfaces. So it’s nice to have one little soul in the world who can tolerate me at my worst. (As much as I love it, my neti pot does not have a soul, so it doesn’t count.)

It used to be Grey Cat, and I have been blessed by whatever benevolent wind blows around this universe to have found another.

Emmett, of course, in his softer moments when he is not trying to escape from Alcatraz or knock pictures off the walls or swing on my Japanese lantern or tear his litterbox apart or find some birds to chew on.

#thisiswhywecanthavenicethings

(suck it, January).

bucket filling

I really limped into the homestretch of the weekend – it was a long week of hard work. There was a “three states in one day and back” kind of day, and a “going away party for a Japanese friend” kind of day, and a “kindergarten Valentine’s day party” kind of day. And this weekend I find myself alone, which is a bit anxiety-producing but more than likely a much-needed respite and an excuse to be as ridiculously lazy as I can possibly be. In kindergarten they teach the concept of bucket-filling – filling other’s buckets with kindness, and filling your own with things that make you happy. It’s a kind of private magic to have a good stretch of time to just be quiet, to drift around the house cleaning and thinking and not talking, watering plants and doing little projects and refilling birdfeeders and falling asleep whenever I want and trying new recipes. It leaves me feeling a little stronger, my light shining a little more brightly.

I have a stack of new books from the library – I love it and hate it when everything on my reserve list comes in at once, such pressure – and there are some awesomely bad old movies on the movie channel to look forward to, including the piece de resistance, The Gorgon, a masterpiece of schlock. I just read this which I wanted to share. I have a raggedy old chair and some milk paint in case I feel motivated enough for a project, and I have two boyfriends with stripes, whiskers, and paws to keep me company. Posing beautifully with books is just one of the things they’re good at.

hold on

I read somewhere that you shouldn’t talk about weather on your blog, but I think that’s only for people who actually believe that other people read their blogs (which I don’t) and anyway, it’s kind of the only thing to talk about around these parts right now. My weeks have been reduced to sleeping, driving (sometimes up to 2 hours or more one way), working, driving, eating. Every day dawns in some repetition of slate grey arctic cold, more snow or wind chills. I know, we live in Michigan, what do we expect? I guess I would expect that the schools would be able to function in these conditions. Tons of snow days and more to come, not always because of snow but also because of subzero wind chills. Safety first, I suppose, but at this rate Snoop will be in kindergarten until July, and for working parents, it’s just no joke to have to accommodate this kind of situation.

With the lack of routine, my fitness has fallen off, I have a brand new pair of beautiful Mizuno Wave Rider 17s that haven’t come out of the box yet. I hate running on a treadmill, there’s just no joy in it, and the temps and deep snow and ice have made it inadvisable to try to run outside, even for a runner who vastly prefers and enjoys cold running, like me. We eat well, lots of vegetables and fruits thanks to our weekly organic produce deliveries, but I’m taking a multivitamin supplement to help with my D3 levels and trying to drink fizzy vitamin / mineral supplement packets a few times a week as well. I haven’t been outside long enough to get sufficient vitamin D, I’m sure. I’m trying to respect the body’s natural tendency towards dormancy during the dark months and reading some good advice on how to work with that, especially from This Original Organic Life and Portland Apothecary.

We are trying to do fun, small things and enjoy the world around us as always. I try to treat myself to the shows I love on TV – Sherlock and Downton Abbey are back, as is Justified, Sleepy Hollow finished with a cliffhanger – and trips to local places new and old. Ikea is great for a day of overwhelming amazingness and frantic consumerism in the best possible way.

Last night we visited a Japanese market and sushi bar (in the middle of another snowstorm, natch) and Snoop used chopsticks for the first time. We loved looking at the new textures and colors and foods, browsing up and down the aisles.

There are swimming lessons for the little one and nights with the furry boys in front of the fireplace.

And even though it feels impossible, every day gets a bit longer and we are tilting back inevitably toward the sun, hold on.

tchaikovsky and poirot

Everyone is much happier with sunshine and milder temps today, including the Northern yellow-shafted flicker who visits us occasionally. I think his mustaches make him look like Hercule Poirot.

I think 2014 will be a good year for trying new things and expanding my horizons. I started last night with my first trip to the symphony. I’m not such a huge Tchaikovsky fan, I decided, but I loved the experience of live classical music and am looking forward to more such trips. I liked getting dressed up and watching the musicians utterly absorbed in their craft, the energy of the conductor, the way the harpist held her wrist, and the fidgety second violinist who kept yawning and stretching his long legs and flicking imaginary bits of fluff off his tuxedo.

winter shades

in marked contrast to previous winters, where i was able to run outside very regularly throughout december and january, we’ve been experiencing a cold winter in southeastern michigan. yesterday, it snowed all day, and by evening the world was lovely and blue; today, it is shades of black and white, the wind is sharp and bitter cold.

i was scheduled to work today, but i took one look outside and decided another vacation day was in order.

i shall return to the real world tomorrow. in the meantime, i’ll be here in bed with a diana wynne jones book, and the new york philharmonic on detroit public television. the kittens like classical music and get drowsy to the sound of a good mellow trombone.

days merry and bright

“More evident from high latitudes, a hemisphere’s winter solstice occurs on the shortest day and longest night of the year, when the sun’s daily maximum elevation in the sky is the lowest.The winter solstice itself lasts only a moment in time, so other terms are used for the day on which it occurs, such as “midwinter”, or “the shortest day”. For the same reason, it should not be confused with “the first day of winter” or “the start of winter” (Lidong in the East Asian calendars). The seasonal significance of the winter solstice is in the reversal of the gradual lengthening of nights and shortening of days…

Worldwide, interpretation of the event has varied from culture to culture, but many cultures have held a recognition of rebirth, involving holidays, festivals, gatherings, rituals or other celebrations around that time.”

I’ve been on the struggle bus this holiday season, and as the days have gone on I’ve seen a few of my friends filing on board with me. It’s not a conscious sadness; it’s more the pervasive pressure of Happiness All Around that makes me feel like it’s more under scrutiny and thus more expected. Lights! Trees! Presents! Food! Music! Are you happy yet??! Well for God’s sake WHY NOT?

I think I’d prefer to just observe the solstice this year, the knowledge that the world always tilts back eventually, the simple appreciation of the balance between light and dark.

One of my colleagues sent my (very small) department to a spa afternoon earlier this week and it’s a luxurious joy to have a pretty manicure, and glowing skin from a facial & massage. Unfortunately, the spa was in the basement of a grand Detroit casino and hotel, and my tolerance for casinos has completely faded since the days where I got married in one. Just walking through the land of smoke and slot machines, a world where time never seems to go anywhere, made me feel uneasy and oppressed by the weight of thousands of unmet expectations.

I saw this quote on Facebook the other day, and loved it.

I think it’s my new mantra for 2014.

Otherwise, I am just looking for small moments of peace in the days, and trying to soak up the people and the things that fill my bucket, as my baby girl would say. It turns out there are lots of them. Not just in my own life, but in the blogs I read and the feeds I love on Instagram.

It’s raining today, and there are winter weather warnings all over the state. I wouldn’t get near a big box store or the mall to save my life today. So it may just be a walk downtown to investigate the little knitting shop to see if I can buy local.

Six Ten

of this be sure: you do not find a happy life, you make it.