Author Archives: sara

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About sara

i live in michigan with my teenage daughter, my partner, and our three cats. i am a paralegal, legal manager and corporate governance specialist, and when i'm not reading contracts or maintaining the dusty archives of our arcane corporate history like some weirdly specific librarian, i enjoy knitting, books, running slowly, making candles, and bird-watching. i started blogging way back when I was an expat living in australia and in recent years have tried to be more diligent about keeping this space up to date and as a creative outlet for the things in my life that inspire me and balance my 9-5.

object lessons

I flew home last night and left a glorious Florida sunset behind.

01.2015 florida sunset

Before I left, I took another walk to try to absorb as much sunshine as I could, and added some birdwatching to the mix. It’s always fun for me to see different birds in different places, although I wore my iPhone battery down trying to Google ‘small brown bird with yellow butt’. It made for some dicey moments standing in line to have my boarding pass scanned at the gate (I use the Delta app on my phone and I kept wondering if anyone has ever had their phone die before they could have their electronic boarding pass scanned…this is the kind of thing that would happen to me.)

This white ibis was pretty easy to ID and he was a fine looking fellow. There were a couple of other wading birds that were more difficult, it’s hard for me to distinguish egrets from herons from cranes and it began to interfere with my attentiveness to the final bits of my seminar so I finally gave up.

01.2015 florida ibis

And of course there were the usual flocks of house sparrows, a brown plague that has taken over my own yard at home. But I couldn’t resist this picture – they were all sitting around the table at the Trattoria at the Disney Boardwalk looking expectant and vaguely European.

01.2015 florida sparrows

My seminar was quite large, almost 300 people, and when you attend these types of events, there are funny little behaviors that emerge. You find yourself sitting next to the same people every day, you quickly establish your cliques. People network and chat and swap business cards and I am wretched at all of this. I sit in the front row where no one else wants to sit and I try not to make eye contact with people. I don’t like small talk or chatting, it makes me nervous. I always forget my business cards and I tend to be focused on consuming as many of the free meals and snacks as possible in the shortest amount of time and then fleeing to somewhere quiet. (I also stockpile pens at these seminars. For some reason my pen jar at home tends to be filled with dry markers and useless highlighters and small screwdrivers and broken-tipped pencils, everything except pens that work. I found these Disney resort pens quite satisfactory.)

The sunshine and birdwatching opportunities made my lack of desire to network at breaks even more prominent, as did the fact that I started reading George R.R. Martin’s “A Feast for Crows” on my Kindle during the flight down. I’m so absorbed in this book that I want to read it straight through and I feel a little dazed when I look up from the pages. I spent many a break hiding in a sunny corner poring over the pages. To be sure, this makes me feel guilty. When my company sends me to a seminar, I’m on the clock, so I really shouldn’t be sneaking away, even on scheduled breaks, to read or play or absorb sunshine.

So when I pondered skipping the last day lunch and heading to the airport to try for an earlier flight, I thought better of it. I girded my loins and hit the buffet and found a new place to sit and before I quite knew what had happened, one of the panel speakers sat down next to me and then another and then two board members on the other side. The first panel speaker started talking to me and quickly we were laughing and he introduced me to the other speakers and board members. I felt like the new kid at school who suddenly finds herself at the cool kid table. I came away with a pack of business cards and promises of LinkedIn invitations and guidance on which chapter I should join, feeling stunned. I told myself sternly that this is an object lesson – 45 minutes at a lunch table and I made great contacts that my boss would appreciate. Those 45 minutes of somewhat painful socializing probably had greater benefit than the prior 2 days of seminar materials and skulking. I was proud of myself and so I had Pinkberry at the airport to reward myself.

It was about 18 F. in Detroit and the airport was full of tired commuters, ready to be home with their families. It was so nice to be home, cold notwithstanding, and Emmett & Sarge piled onto my lap on the couch while I ate pasta late at night and finished watching ‘Broadchurch’. (What do we think about mysteries that end with the killer being someone entirely unexpected? Do we feel impressed at their cleverness or do we feel a bit put out that we aren’t given the proper clues to solve it ourselves?)

And now, Winter Storm Linus. For fuck’s sake.

facade

I know that Disney is a painted face, a glitter of fake rhinestones and paste, but it imitates a life that people want. It is sunny here and my happy meter has climbed with the periodic absorption of vitamin D in natural light that I can absorb in snatches between seminar topics.
I ran this evening along the Boardwalk in the faded light and had a lone dinner at a bar, reading on my Kindle and feeling as happy as it is possible to be in solitude.

I shopped for Miss L and missed her badly and felt that no one should be at Disney without their little person.
So I had a glass of wine at a quiet tucked away corner of the resort, a pseudo 1940s lounge, and I read again while lounging in a cracked leather wing chair. My heels were loud on the board floors and someone was wearing cologne that reminded me of someone else. I listened to a faux wireless replay old radio programmes; eavesdropping casually and disinterestedly on my fellow drinkers.
Someone said to someone else, ‘of all the gin joints…’ Somebody else said, ‘everyone I want to talk to is right here.’ And it sounded perfectly fitting.

Maybe someday when I am old and my responsibilities are discharged, I will move to Disney and be a bartender or a concierge, and take a part in this happy facade.

IMG_2466

In the meantime

01.2015 commute

So, it’s not as bad as last year. Really. By comparison, this is just a normal January. There are some nasty commutes, and it’s tough to get enough vitamin D during the short dark days. But the light is creeping back, slowly but surely, and our little household is doing pretty well now.

I did well with my workouts this week. I ran only three times, still favoring my left shin, which has a tendency towards tenderness if I ramp up too quickly on miles. I’m wondering if it’s time to bite the bullet and go see a doctor about this left shin. But I did some good cross-training and today I hope to get in a good Pilates session with one of my DVD’s. I’m incentivizing myself with Serial on podcast during my workouts. I’m one of the Luddites who has just discovered podcasts and I love them for working out, because it keeps my mind engaged during an otherwise boring intellectual time. Podcasts made me realize, though, that I need a good pair of wireless headphones, since my iPhone 6 is fussy about what type of headphones it will accept, and my ears are as well.

So overall I’m feeling pretty fit this week, despite Sarge’s reluctance to part with my workout bag in the morning…

01.2015 sarge workout bag

January is a big birthday month in my family, so yesterday Miss L & I drove to my brother & sister-in-law’s house to meet up for a collective celebration. My SIL loves entertaining, and we love being entertained, so there was slow cooked pork tenderloin, two kinds of birthday cake, ice cream, and sledding.

01.2015 sledding

My mom got new hiking boots, and we reminisced about hiking the Old Indian Trail in the Sleeping Bear over Christmas. It made me homesick. When I got home that night, there was a post from the Sleeping Bear on FB about the Trail Trekker Challenge which seemed like a sign that I need to get back up north soon to start filling in my logbook. Not soon, though, as I am headed off next week to sunnier climes. It’s for a somewhat draining and dull-sounding business seminar, but I am excited to be able to sit outside for some time each day and get some proper natural light. Sometimes my goals are modest indeed.

In the meantime, here is what Sunday looks like in command central (i.e. my bed) – two girls, a cat, a laptop, and a Furby.

01.2015 sundays

Hope yours is as relaxing.

Some days

Some days there are just a lot of reasons not to run. The house needs cleaning. Don’t I deserve a break? I haven’t eaten / I’ve eaten too much. My watch isn’t charged. It’s cold / wet / rainy. I JUST DONT FEEL LIKE IT.
(Insert gratuitous lazy cat pic here – wait, I just happen to have one.)

2015/01/img_2285.jpg

Many days I let those thoughts win.
Other days, though, I find my shoes.

2015/01/img_2296.jpg

And I go out into the slippery, wet, cold grey-brown January morning.

2015/01/img_2298.jpg

And I listen to the wind sweep over the hills, and feel the damp in my face. I take deep breaths of pine-needle scented air. I don’t worry how fast or how far I go. There are tracks on the path to follow; I watch where I set my feet down. There are birds in the brush. I am happy to be in my body and in my head and on that path. I can feel energy flow through me with every cold inhalation, blowing away cobwebs and turning weakness to strength, reluctance to determination, lethargy to joy, in a strange alchemy.

And this is how I feel, some days.

2015/01/img_2297.jpg

on the mend

finally feeling better.

simmering thieves’ oil.

finding the energy to put fresh seed & suet out for the birds on a day so cold that my hands were numb after just a few minutes outside; the air was bright with sun and full of shimmering crystal pinpoints of snow. Deep breaths of cold clean air.

washing sheets and towels in hot water.

dry brushing my skin and detoxing in an epsom salt and coconut oil bath.

seeing Miss L. feel well enough to eat a great dinner and be happy about returning to school.

finally turning the heel on my first knitted sock in years.

spending a quiet suspended night of illness watching robert redford and natalie wood in ‘this property is condemned’.

resolving that next summer i will grow every variety of sage i can find; i have been wishing for bunches of it this winter to simmer and burn and hang in the fusty corners of a closed-up winter house.

2015/01/img_2270.jpg

in which january reaches new lows.

01.2015 sarge

It looks peaceful around here, but that is only because we have been horribly ill with norovirus and have no strength left to move.

Miss L got it first, and then handed it off to me.

I thought January had reached its nadir until I found myself sitting in my car on 8 Mile, sweating and with black spots floating across my vision, throwing my laptop and work heels out of my tote bag so I COULD VOMIT IN IT.

I’m hoping my next post is more optimistic and upbeat but until then I will be sprawled in a crumpled heap of nauseous, headachey misery wishing desperately for February.

in which i try to cope with january.

01.2015 nsk sunrise

not sure if i took this picture because of the pretty sunrise, or to prove that it is possible for me to get to work before 8AM.

This post was originally going to start out with the emphatic statement, January fucking sucks but then I remembered that one of the things I am most proud of over the last year has been my vastly improved capability to see silver linings. So I will back off that statement and simply say, January is a very challenging month for me personally. Better?

I think January is tough because I feel so relaxed and reset after a nice break, I have all of this clarity of insight about things I can do to feel better about myself, everything feels like a clean slate – then I go back to work and am plunged back into the same hectic routine and nothing is clean, nothing is new, everything is still the same old mess it was before Christmas, and on top of it, the weather usually turns, making everything more difficult. More difficult to travel anywhere, even work; more difficult to get any sort of natural light or vitamin D when it is always dark and the wind chills are perilous; more difficult to muster the energy to work out, to eat right, to drink enough water. January is a dark, cold, long month where everything takes more effort for me and I am usually going through the motions feeling numb with exhaustion, no matter how much sleep I get. This week has seemed like the Longest Week Ever. We had a green Christmas but winter has hit with a vengeance and we had a snow squall and a day off from school for Miss L due to the extremely cold temperatures which still persist around here.

(Sidebar. I have to ask. How do children get educated in Alaska? Or the upper Midwest which I heard on NPR now wants to secede from the Midwest and create its own region called the ‘North’? It’s much colder in those places than in Michigan. Those kids must NEVER go to school if education is contingent upon Mother Nature. And you know, look. I am a teacher fan, I support teachers and am full of gratitude for the very difficult job they do. I could never do it myself. But my teacher friends on FB are downright obnoxious about snow days. Yes, I understand that everyone gets happy about having a day off. But to the rest of us who have to go to work no matter what the temperature outside, and additionally have to find child care for a child that has a snow day, often by spending one of our limited vacation days to do so, it can be a little annoying when you open up FB in the midst of one of these hectic mornings and see a bunch of teachers high-fiving themselves in jammies about not having to work.)

On the silver lining side, GB & I pulled together as usual and tag-teamed, and Miss L & I sought refuge with a special snow day lunch, as is one of our traditions.

01.2015 dessert

In other news, somewhat on the spur of the moment, I decided to try a Bikram yoga class. I love yoga and have wanted to work it back into my fitness routine for some time, but I’d always resisted this specific type of fitness based on the yuck factor of doing it in a hot studio full of other people’s fug, sweat, and germs. But one of the lawyers I work with said the studio in Northville is quite clean and so I gave it a try on Thursday night. It was the night of our snow squall, so there was something very Scandinavian about working out in a sweatbox, watching through humidity-streaked windows as the snow filtered down in drifts on the street outside. Then bursting outside into a dark, quiet street of blessed arctic cold. I resisted the urge to roll around in the fresh snow – that would likely be acceptable in Ann Arbor, but in Northville I believe it would likely be frowned upon, the zoning is much more strict there….Anyway, the class was really good, I made it through with only a few moments of seeing dark spots floating over my vision while thinking numbly ‘oh my Christ I’m going to vomit’. The instructor was a fair little waif with a head full of blonde dreadlocks who smiled angelically through the class and went on several gentle metaphysical tangents that I enjoyed through my pain. However, I was underhydrated going in and at 2AM, I woke up with a savage dehydration headache that didn’t abate until after lunchtime the following day. I told someone that I felt like I’d been pounding tequila all night and it took vast amounts of water & Gatorade to get me back to normal. My body felt great – very limber & stretched – but my head was a wreck. I will definitely go back, I just really have to address my hydration and try to figure that out.

January is a dry month for me so my normal soothing glass of red wine is out of the picture for awhile, which I haven’t missed at all, oddly. This made the Bikram hangover more bitter in some ways… as usual, Emmett, however, was sympathetic. He always encourages me to go back to bed whenever I need it. And that is a good friend to have in January.

01.2015 me & em

here now

Yesterday, as I limped down the street wearing too-high heels, my dress coat, carrying a workout bag, my purse, and my computer in my arms, I thought to myself, this is not how I imagined coming back when I left the house.

Some days are just like that. I once had a day in Australia where the normal highway I took to work was closed due to an accident, and I was poorly detoured through what felt like all of Melbourne, along with what felt like the rest of Melbourne. I was taken through clogged streets I’d never see again, made wrong turns, became hopelessly lost. I remember feeling so strongly that we live our lives in these little tracks, well-memorized and comfortable, and underneath us looms an entire abyss. One little crack in our world and down we go, to places that are always there, but which we rarely see. And maybe all the missing people just fell down a crack and couldn’t find their way back.

Yesterday, I was driving to work and I had the radio loud, and I was driving next to a big truck doing about 75. Oddly enough, I was thinking about the fact that I needed new tires. My dad had told me this about six months ago, but with the Disney trip, then Christmas to plan for, I just hadn’t budgeted for them. I was thinking that now I had some Christmas money and it would probably behoove me to…then I started thinking about something else, and noticed a sort of whupping helicopter noise, which I thought was the truck. I eased off on the gas and suddenly in my driver’s side mirror I saw smoke, a bit of rubber flying off, and the car began to fishtail and lose control.

Once I got the car over to the side of the highway, I smelled burnt rubber. My tire was just shredded – only a few bits of tread clinging. I sat for a moment amidst rising panic. Again, we travel our little tracks and then when you find yourself sitting on the side of the road, in a dust of snow and dead dry grass, cars whooshing by you at abominable speeds, you are lost. What do I do? Who do I call? I mentally flicked through the catalog of people I could possibly call and rejected all of them because honestly, I thought, there’s nothing they can really do to help. Sitting in my car, I Googled ‘what to do when you get a flat tire’ (really) and then clarity and calm started to come back. I knew my ex-husband had signed us up for Triple A a few years ago, but I didn’t have my card and I didn’t know if the membership was still active, or in his name, or what. I called them and they confirmed that the membership was still active. While I was talking to them, arranging for a tow, mentally wondering if my tire rim had been damaged, I saw blinking lights in my rearview and Employee 29 pulled up behind me in his MDOT van.

“You don’t just do things halfway, do ya,” he cheerfully bellowed over the highway noise. “Let’s get your spare! Cancel the tow – I’ll get you going!”

We unloaded my spare tire, my dress coat whipping in the cold wind, and I resisted the urge to hug him when he had it on the car and sent me on my way. Instead, I shook his hand fervently, smiling up into his wind-chapped face, and thanked him from the bottom of my heart.

01.2015 flat

The benefit of shopping local is that you might just have a Firestone within walking distance of your house, and they would very likely be able to scramble to fit you in to spend that Christmas money on a set of brand new, excellent tires for the car you plan on driving until it dies because you love it so.

And you may be able to drop your car off right then, with the spare still on, and walk home, and think about philosophical things like cracks in the world.

So here is why this boring story is important, and here is why it is more to me than a minor mechanical inconvenience / expense.

Somehow, I’ve changed. It was probably when I hit bottom a couple of summers ago, lost weight and hope, and decided to go on an antidepressant. Taking that pill every night is part of what changed me, but there was more, and now I am truly changed. The old me would not have been able to handle this situation. I would only have seen the negative. I would have panicked and cried, and called someone to come help me figure out what to do. I would have seen it as some sort of reinforcement that I’d fucked up, that I didn’t have control, that forces were aligned against me and it was better, safer not to be happy because that other shoe is waiting to drop.

The new me sees it differently. The new me sees how wonderful it felt in that moment, shaking hands with Employee 29 on a windy roadside, beaming. The new me sees the reminder that in scary moments there are things and people that can help, and most of all, that I am a good, smart, capable person who is worthy of being helped, and my scary moments are not a judgment or a punishment, they are a part of being human, part of life, and, in some cases, an opportunity. I don’t need to panic. I can feel the momentary fear and bewilderment, but now I can let it pass, and see the funny side, the ironic side, the options. I can accept help and express my gratitude to the people who help me, through telling them in simple terms how grateful I am and how much their aid means to me. And at the end of the day, I can sit in Firestone reading a library book waiting for my car to be done, watching traffic lights on the dark street outside, and feel so, so, so blessed that however I came to this place, however long it took me, I am here now.

“God gave us flaws, and something I learned – He doesn’t see them as flaws. There’s nothing wrong with the way He made us. The universe forgives all.” – True Detective

village

The big holiday push is (almost) over – mostly over because I am not a New Year’s Eve person and usually spend it in bed with wine and my Kindle.

Christmas week was busy but gratifying. I felt the extra responsibility to make sure that Miss L’s Christmas was fulfilling and joyful and that she didn’t feel any sadness or anxiety. I made sure she spent time with everyone she loves, including her dad. It meant a lot of driving and running around for not just me, but my extended family, too, and it brought to mind the old saying about taking a village to raise a child. Everyone in Miss L’s life helped to make her Christmas wonderful, and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without that village, especially my parents. They made sure there were lots of gifts under the tree so that Santa could be the hero that he should be in every six-year-old’s eyes. Their generosity and unselfishness where we are concerned – well, it’s true love.

Anyway, the holidays were, for me, what they are supposed to be – displays of love, affection, and connection, the reaffirmation of good relationships.

In the midst of everything, I tried to take some time to give myself a few little presents, too, in the form of moments collected. I spent some time in my favorite place on earth, worshipping the way I do.

a cold hike in the sleeping bear dunes to lake michigan

a cold hike in the sleeping bear dunes to lake michigan

12.2014 lake michigan

wearing miss l's russian hat for a trail selfie

wearing miss l’s russian hat for a trail selfie

a morning trail run in the sleeping bear

a morning trail run in the sleeping bear

12.2014 el dorado

post-run, i got to relax in a small northern michigan cafe with a ginger lemon scone and a double shot skim latte while two little lovely elves finished christmas shopping.

post-run, i got to relax in a small northern michigan cafe with a ginger lemon scone and a double shot skim latte while two little lovely elves finished christmas shopping.

heart of the room, and dreams

12.2014 table

On the day after Thanksgiving, my father & my brother loaded up the truck and spent their day being delivery men for the beautiful farmhouse table that my father built me. My mom painted it with a driftwood grey wash and sent two matching antique straightback chairs and my grandma sent a care package with some owl tree ornaments. It was like Christmas came early.

I draped the table with a spangled green velvet runner and made a bad decision to haul up a small antique dresser from the basement. (I say a bad idea because I really had no concept of how heavy this piece was until I’d wrestled it halfway up the basement stairs. Then I started second-guessing myself about whether I could manage it the rest of the way, and had horrible visions of me falling with it, tumbling down the stairs with a heavy dresser, being crushed like an egg, bones broken, begging Emmett to ‘…bring….mommy….the phone…’)

Anyway, the dresser had been languishing in GB’s man cave workshop since we bought it, shortly before Miss L’s birth. I’d intended it to be her dresser. It was refinished a lovely shade of pale blue but had an admirable pedigree of history behind it.
However, shortly after we bought the piece, my mother asked me in passing if I’d checked it for lead-based paint, because it was so old. Of course, I hadn’t even considered it, and it created a swamping wave of anxiety on my part and a lot of Internet research that left me cold with dread and wanting the dresser, innocent before proven guilty as it was, nowhere near my infant. So it was relegated to the downstairs kingdom.

Now, however, my anti-anxiety meds have fully taken hold, and Miss L is six, well old enough not to chew on furniture.
Anyway, set with candlesticks and a teapot, the little dresser makes a fine sideboard companion for my beautiful table, and stands next to another antique chair that I refinished with milk paint and glossed with tung oil. For the first time, I am really pleased with my dining room. The table is my favorite possession in the world.

I have lots of things handmade by my parents. Dad carves us funny little Santa ornaments every Christmas, and Mom paints their wizened faces and gives them intricate Scandinavian designs on their suits & caps. They do decoys together, and I have a couple little tables that they’ve done, too, a footstool with a grey cat looking at the stars. However, the table is a massive work of art. Having something that large that was made for me by my own parents is like having a little piece of them in my house all the time. The wood has a heart that glows out and makes me smile and feel loved every time I see it.

12.2014 table 2

Having this room be perfect has, however, has the downside of making me incredibly dissatisfied with my living room. I hate everything in it except the couch. I’ve been trying to save my money so that I have a rainy day emergency fund, but I do not think I can stand that living room for another six months. I want to paint it a perfect pale gray and I have ten shades saved on Pinterest that I pore over daily (they are going to drive me crazy). I want a new cabinet for my television and books, and am constantly looking for a template that I can send my dad so I can twist his arm into making it for me and having mom paint it the same color as my table. I want to haul the old cheap Home Depot rug out into the driveway and set fire to it and throw the Ikea sleeper loveseat out there too, hard as a rock and has Miss L’s marker scribbles on it. I want to kick the Target torchiere lamp down the street. I can’t wait to gut it and start all over.

**

The holiday season is in full swing, I’ve joined my Fitness Accountability Group, and there have been the usual minor seismic shifts in my life, as reflected in a pair of strange dreams. The other night, I dreamt of cardinals attacking my house, coming in through the windows in a perfect Alfred Hitchcock fury, as I raced down to the basement to hide in a bathroom that I then horribly realized was my work office, made of glass windows that wouldn’t protect me from their onslaught. I mean, cardinals, of all birds – symbols of love, relationships, hope, compassion. What the hell does THAT mean? I went to bed last night feeling very unsettled and anxious, and had another dream that seemed to be the counterpoint to that. I dreamed of work again, and being relocated to another office (which is actually happening) and filling it with protective boughs and garlands of herbs and flowers. Then an old friend of mine from childhood and high school, who is over ten years deceased now, was walking with me down the hall. I recognized her more by her very distinctive striding walk than her face or her voice, but she was there, and then I was looking at my own self in the mirror and telling myself in a very strong and convincing voice that God never gives us more to handle than we can bear. I woke up feeling much relieved – ‘oh yeah, I forgot, I’m not alone, and there are reasons for things that I may not understand at the time.’ I’m not sure what is going on in my head or my dream symbolism these days, but it’s good to know that my subconscious is now capable of sending me a strong reminder to have faith.