The House of Dark Shadows, 1970

“Vampire Barnabas Collins is accidentally released from his centuries-long confinement at his family’s estate.” A theatrical retelling of the classic TV show.

Despite some positive IMBD reviews, this is a truly dreadful film. The lack of cohesive narrative and quick jumps between time and place make it difficult to follow unless you’ve seen the show. Even then there is absolutely no logic to the behavior of any character – particularly the supposed scientist with crazy bedhead who most resembles a cross between Mrs Roper and Will Ferrell as Harry Caray – when faced with a vampire who in turn looks startlingly like Mr. Bean.
The best thing about it is the setting – filmed on location in places like the Lyndhurst Estate and Sleepy Hollow cemetery in Tarrytown, NY and which lends a truly beautiful gothic aesthetic that almost makes up for the rest of the schlock.

Happy Birthday to Me, 1981

At the snobby Crawford Academy, Virginia’s group of friends start to go missing years after horrible events that happened to her as a child around her birthday.”

Melissa Sue Anderson should have stayed on the prairie (where she played Mary). Also starring Glenn Ford, a staple of many old movies including Superman, and Tracey E. Bregman (Lauren on Young & the Restless). All of the hot young assholes who make up the “Top 10” at Crawford are being murdered in new and innovative ways – one literally gagged 1980s-prep style (though not with a spoon – a kebab). Because apparently in 1980s Crawford Academy, the midnight snack of choice for the cool kids are – kebabs. Of course. You can’t kill someone as easily with a pizza roll!

There is a highly nonsensical twist at the end when the killer is revealed to be not who we thought, but one of the other “cool kids” apparently wearing a latex mask so convincing that even the killer’s father was fooled. (The original deepfake?)
A classic 1980s slasher and the familiar faces make it all the more entertaining.

Night of the Lepus, 1972

“Husband-and-wife scientists unwittingly unleash a horde of giant man-eating rabbits.”

There are a lot of things that defy explanation about this film. First, that relatively respected actors such as Janet Leigh, DeForest Kelley, & Rory Calhoun got mixed up in it. Second, that we are supposed to be afraid of a gang of super cute and decidedly non-scary fluffy bunnies splashed with red paint and allowed to rampage amongst small scale models of farms and villages; third, that they tried to pass off a DUDE IN A BUNNY SUIT as a real murderous rampaging bunter for the close-up killings. Fourth, that a sheriff at a crowded drive-in movie could use a bull horn to announce ““A herd of killer rabbits is headed this way, we have to evacuate this theatre!” And not one person yelled back “Rabbits are herbivores!” (or tried to blame Joe Biden).